After returning downstairs from THE QUICKEST WEE IN HISTORY, I PROMISE YOU, I heard Bean in the kitchen, “Ooh, thanks mum for my new ice cream!” Ice cream? What fucking ice cream? I brace myself and walk into the kitchen, expecting to find my three-year old’s face in a container of Baileys ice cream, to actually find Bean sitting on the floor, licking, LICKING LIKE A DAMN ICE LOLLY – a frozen garlic baguette akin to a fucking Cornetto.

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