A couple of weeks ago, I discovered that I suffer from a previously unknown condition called 'simia cervux' (to give it its official Latin name), meaning that my cervix is basically a monkey.
This shocking discovery was made during a routine smear test, when the practice nurse, having first pried me open with an icy metal speculum THIS big (the bronze vaginal dilators of ancient Rome are an excellent reference point), made a sudden exasperated announcement. “Cheeky little monkey your cervix, isn’t she!” As always, I tried to make light of things. "Ha ha! Maybe you should try some banana on top of the swab?!” I said. Like a twat. She shot me one of those weary, angry, “not again” looks that people usually reserve for moments when they a) step in dog shit or b) hear something that Michael Gove said. Which is very fucking annoying indeed, as it was she who brought the monkey into the conversation in the first place.