1) Start dieting in the week leading up to Easter when chocolate pops out at you from every corner of every shop, and the kids are home and want to make chocolate nest cakes. You are of course under no obligation to eat said nest cakes. But do anyway. 2) Mix your eating plans. Invent your own unscientific diet based on the tastiest parts of several popular diet plans. Eat the high protein of the Atkins, alongside the carbs of the low fat diet. Discover this doesn’t work. 3) Decide that food nobody sees you eat has no calorific value. 4) Decide that food that you eat standing up has no calorific value. 5) Decide that food you ate when drunk and would have forgotten about if it weren’t for the wrappers has no calorific value.