Welcome to the Eeh Bah Mum parenting awards, introducing your host - me, sat at the kitchen table wearing a prom dress and heels, swigging fizzy wine and practising my disappointed face.
Oh hang on that’s just my face.
Remember when Mick Fleetwood and Sam Fox hosted the Brits?
Well this is going to be just like that except better and by better I mean worse.
I have been a parent for 3 years now and thought it was time to pause and honour some of those glorious moments being a parent is full of. First up is a classic:
The Most Disgusting Thing Removed From a Child’s Mouth Award
As you’d imagine there has been lots of competition in this category with fag butts, empty crisp packets and mouldy duck bread putting up a strong fight but our final five went the extra mile and all caused genuine retching.
The nominees are: A squashed dried frog, a used sticking plaster covered in sand, a solidified dog turd, a clump of hair from the shower drain, a total strangers flip flop.
And the winner is: A clump of hair from the shower drain.