how to be beautiful - a concise guide

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Below are all the ‘beauty tips’ I have memorised and tried to live by, at some stage or another.

Want to be beautiful? Internalise these. Learn all of your flaws by heart along with their temporary fixes, but accept that you will only ever be able to address a handful at once and therefore will always look less than your potential best. Face the world confidently and with a smile, regardless, as prettiness in public is basically obligatory.

HAIR – Choose a haircut that suits your face shape, by making it look less like that shape. Buy special products to tame your frizz/volumize/add shine. Buy special shampoo and conditioner for these conditions too, despite them making no discernible difference at all. Rinse with cold water for extra shine. Get a trim every six weeks. Use a wide tooth comb in the shower. Stylish girls know to spend a few extra minutes a day on their hair.